Life is so strange and unpredictable. At least, my life feels that way. I feel like every time I think I’ve really got a handle on things, I’ve really started to figure it all out, then things get all flipped upside down on me.
The past few weeks have been really tough for me on a personal level. Nothing bad is going on, nothing that from the outside looking in would even be an issue at all, but on the inside I feel like I’ve been caught in some crazy battle between two versions of myself. I won’t go into extreme detail, but I feel like everything I though I wanted, that I’ve been striving for and working toward is being pulled away, and then God is realigning my priorities. Totally and completely.
So everything that I though I was working so hard for now has been placed on the back burner, and things that were important but not my main focus are now having a spotlight placed on them, and I feel like I’m being redirected over and over again. That THIS is where my focus, and most importantly, my heart need to be.
So this process that I’m going through feels like I’m being broken down to the very most basic version of myself, then all of my insides are being ripped out and placed in front of me to look at and examine. I’m being forced to see what really, truly matters at this point, in this season of life. It’s not fun. It’s actually really hard, on many different levels.
The reason it’s happening though, I’m almost positive, is because I’m seeking God on a regular basis. I’m constantly asking him to change me, to make me into the best version of myself, to show me what matters, to put me where he wants me, to use me however he sees fit. To help me fulfill whatever purpose he has for me, to be the best wife and mom and business owner that I can possibly be. To help me to be a positive influence in the lives of the people I spend my time with, to help me get to know him more and more. This is by far the busiest season of my life thus far, but I am making a point to make him my focus in the midst of it all.
This also is not easy. I fail at this oh so often. I’ll go a couple of days and realize I haven’t spent any real time with him. Because, when do I have the time? But what I’m slowly realizing is I don’t have to get in my “quiet place” (which is the shower for me, because where else am I alone?) and spend half an hour praying earnestly. Instead, I can speak to him in the car. I can ask him for help when I’m struggling with my kids. I can thank him for the food I’m feeding my kids, for the hot water I have to wash my dishes, for my favorite blanket when I’m cuddled up on my couch. I can thank him for this beautiful, crazy, stressful life that I have, because really, how blessed am I?
I’m working toward being in almost constant communication with him throughout my day. I’m not there, not even close, but it’s what I’m striving for. And it’s not “Dear God, thank you for this day. Thank you for XYZ”. It’s “Man, these kids are driving me crazy. I’m so tired and I can’t believe it’s still five hours until bedtime. I seriously feel like crying. Can you please help me find a way to get this crazy energy out of them? And please help me be patient and just be a good mommy.” It’s not formal. It’s not serious. It’s not pretty or eloquent. It’s just a conversation with someone that I know cares about me. And it’s changing everything.
I feel like everything that I know about God is changing. I’ve never spent a ton of time thinking about him. He just kind of IS. Like, he’s there, he’s good, he loves us, the end. And for a long time I didn’t even really believe that. But now I’m really focusing on building a relationship with him, because that’s what I want. A relationship. And if you want to be in a relationship with someone, whether it’s romantic or a friendship or whatever it may be, the best way to do that is to get to know someone. To spend time with them, just hanging out, chatting, sharing stories, showing them your heart, what matters to you, where you struggle.
I get it, I get that it’s never easy to diligently seek God. I don’t have hours to spend reading my bible, watching videos, having theological discussions. But I do have two hours a week to go to bible study, and I try my best to get my weekly homework for the study done every week, because I ALWAYS learn something new. I do have time to listen to podcasts by wise women that really feed my soul and reveal new things to me – when I’m driving, when I’m folding laundry or washing dishes. I do have time to pray sincerely and earnestly when I get to shower ALONE a few times a week. And I do have time to chat with him throughout my day. Instead of picking up my phone to text a friend and vent about something crazy that just happened, I talk to him. It’s so simple I can’t believe how much it’s changing things for me.
Making room for God, I’m learning, just doesn’t have to be so complicated. It doesn’t have to be HUGE, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be crazy time consuming. I’m sure when my kids are older and can wipe themselves and get their own snacks and, I don’t know, actually sleep through the night or something, then I will have the time to pursue him in different ways. Hopefully I’ll eventually have time to read all these amazing books I keep buying. And maybe read more than two chapters in the bible at once. And have long, drawn out conversations with friends about our faith without being interrupted 23 times by little ones. But that’s not where I’m at now. So this is what I can do.
I want to encourage you, no matter what season you’re in, to just try it. Just pick up that book you’ve been wanting to read, or listen to that podcast you’ve heard about, or join that bible study. Reach out to that woman that seems so wise, that you really just want to get to know. When you’re struggling and it’s almost your kid’s bedtime and you just don’t know if you’ll make it through without losing it, just take a second to ask him for help. If you’re feeling stressed or confused or lost or lonely, all it takes is a second to tell him what’s up. I can’t explain to you the difference it makes. I never hear him say “Celeste, I understand. I’m here. I love you.” But he answers me in other ways. I’ll scroll through Instagram and see a post that feels like he sent out just for me. A friend will text me a book suggestion that is so spot on, or sweet encouragement that my heart needs in that moment. I’ll feel a sense of peace come over me that I know my frazzled impatient self can’t conjure up. These simple, tiny steps can truly start to change your life.
I also want to let you know, I’m here for you. If you have questions, if you want suggestions on where to begin, if you’re angry and frustrated and think God is a big waste of time – please reach out. You probably can’t shock me, because I’m quite sure I’ve had all the negative thoughts and feelings possible when it comes to this stuff. I’m just stumbling along this path, figuring it out as I go. And I want to be here to encourage you if you’re walking this road with me. My heart truly is to help women (and men?) as they’re starting out on this journey, or re-starting, whatever it may be. So please, never hesitate to reach out.