I have to be honest with you guys, I’ve never been a fan of the whole “just keep swimming” thing, but today it’s been my mantra. I have had the hardest time getting going – like, so many ridiculous things have gone wrong that it’s just silly at this point. Mondays when my mom is in town (like this one) are my major work days. She watches the kids most of the day and I come in to my little work area in my room and just get as much stuff as possible done.
So today I came in here with so many things to knock off my to-do list – and none of it happened. I got locked out of my blog forEVER, and I finally had to break down and ask my husband for help. And of course he fixed it in about three minutes, which made me more upset than anything because it made me feel incapable. Then I ran what I thought would be a quick update on my computer because it was acting wonky and it took TWO HOURS. So I basically wasn’t able to use my computer for the entire morning. And when about 95% of what you do is done on said computer, that really puts a kink in things.
Instead of just feeling frustrated and annoyed like I normally would at these inconveniences, I let it take me to a bad place. As in, the place where I start to doubt myself, my intelligence, my ability to succeed, my purpose, and on and on. I have such limited time to do anything (because of the little people that live here) that minor interferences seem bigger than they really are, but usually I can kind of brush it off and move on. Today was rough though.
Basically I had to have a little come to Jesus meeting with myself and give myself a pep talk to keep going. Get out of the spiral of doubt and insecurity, and move on and realize that those negative thoughts and feelings are not the truth. The truth is that I have dreams and goals and things I hope to accomplish in this life, and if I am following God’s plan for my life, then I will accomplish them. If I am asking him daily to show me what it is that I need to be doing, then I will continue to follow the path that he sets out and, most likely, I will accomplish things through him that don’t even seem possible.
Since my personal struggle has always been self-doubt and insecurity, I feel like that is where I am attacked most often. For the most part I feel like I’ve kicked it. I’m in a really good place in my life where I’m more secure than ever before, and I feel capable of chasing the dreams that I have for my life. But every once in awhile there seems to be a little chink in the armor, and the first things that creep in are those familiar thoughts of being incapable, having no true talent, not being good enough, special enough, pretty enough, smart enough, determined enough – or simply that I haven’t truly been called to do the things that I feel that I have, because who am I to have any true calling on my life? Why would God use me when there are so many women already doing big, amazing things so much better than I ever could?
It’s a sad, scary place to be, and it’s a place I used to live regularly. Thankfully now it’s only a place that I get dragged into very, very rarely for very short stints of time and then I snap out of quickly and move on. Like this morning – I let myself go there for a few minutes, then I was wise enough to get up, take a break, grab a snack, and then get back to it with a new perspective.
I’m never sure how much I want to share with strangers on the internet about my personal life and struggles that I’ve dealt with or may be dealing with, but I do want to encourage anyone who happens to stumble upon this post that may be feeling similar things. It’s so easy to become consumed by those destructive thoughts and feelings – especially if you’re prone to depression, as I was when I was younger. For me, it’s important to do just what I said – get up, physically move away from the place that I’m at, maybe take a walk or grab something to eat, watch a funny show or listen to some worship music, anything to snap yourself out of that funk. And then when you’re ready, get back to it, but give yourself a nice long pep talk before you do. Say a prayer, if that’s your thing, and ask God to show you his truth, what he says is true about you – I promise it’s none of the destructive things you were wallowing in before. He is for you, and he has a plan for you, and he wants to see you succeed. Obstacles may present themselves and painful things may happen and lessons may be learned, but if you keep your eyes on him, you will find a hope underlying all of the other junk that comes from something you can’t explain.
I don’t know if this post will reach anyone who needs to read it, or if it was more therapeutic for me, but I certainly shared a little more than I planned on. I just have to trust that this is what I was supposed to log in and write (finally!) and go with it. And please, whoever you are, whether we know each other in real life, or “internet” know each other, or if you literally have no idea how you found my blog – feel free to reach out. You can find my email on my contact page, and I would love to hear from you.