I think it is slightly hilarious that I felt led to start a blog and then I felt led to stop writing. That God is a tricky guy sometimes. I’m feeling the itch to get back here, so maybe that means something is coming. We all know I clearly have no idea.
However, I wanted to come back, at least for today, and take a second to recognize Mother’s Day. Because for some reason this Mother’s Day weekend, I’m having alllllll the feelings. I think a lot of it is because of the season that I just went through, that I’m pretty sure occurred so that I could learn to enjoy and embrace every aspect of motherhood. Before I went through my little journey of refinement, of stepping away and stepping back, of looking deep inside myself at all the yuck, before coming out on the other side, motherhood wasn’t the blessing to me that it should have been.
It felt all-consuming, and not in a good way. It felt overwhelming. It felt suffocating. It felt like it was slowly stealing away every bit of identity outside of “mama”, every bit of Celeste, that it could. I didn’t see the joy, the beauty, the insanely chaotic, hilarious, pure happiness that I can now find in the every day. I felt burdened. I felt held back. I wasn’t near as happy as I wanted to be, especially since I knew how lucky I truly was.
Of course I loved my boys more than life itself, but I couldn’t feel all of the other beautiful feelings that go along with the love. I was too overwhelmed by it all, by my desire for more more more, more things that were for me and didn’t include them. I wanted something, anything, just for me, but they consumed me. I was drowning, even though I didn’t realize it.
But then I went on a really hard, painful, exhausting, uncomfortable journey of pulling back from EVERYTHING except for being a mama. I did not want to, but God made it crystal clear that I had to. I fought it, I tried to rationalize my way out of it, but he said nope. Let it go. Let it allllll go. So I did.
After two months of walking through that, I’m on the other side. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I do know that everything about motherhood has changed for me.
I see the beauty. I see the joy. I FEEL it down to my very core. I crawl on the floor like a dinosaur, I tickle bellies, I cuddle in bed, I rock to sleep, I read stories, I blow bubbles, I race, I give endless kisses and hugs, I praise and shower them with words of affirmation, I listen, I look, I study baby faces and chubby hands that are quickly turning into little boy hands, I answer endless questions, I watch sleeping boys and kiss their closed eyes. Of course I’ve always done all of these things, but it’s different now. I feel every beautiful bit of the love I have for these boys, and I feel it down deep into my soul. I LOVE them. I LOVE being their mama. I breathe it in, cherish it, try to capture it, because it’s fleeting. They’re growing, they’re so big, they’re so funny and smart, and where are my babies? How is it going so fast? How can I keep all of these beautiful memories inside my head and my heart forever?
Motherhood is different now. It’s the same, as in I’ve always loved and cherished my boys, but it’s different in the fact that now it is everything to me. I may still have hopes and dreams and aspirations, but THIS is where it’s at. I’m so thankful that God made me pause and dig down and find the joy in the mundane every day, because without that breaking down, I would have missed it. I would have MISSED all of this. And I can’t imagine missing a moment.
So Happy Mother’s Day mamas. We have the most amazing, wonderful, blessed job in the entire world. We have the honor and privilege of shaping our babies into human beings. We get the sticky kisses and the “I love you so much Mommy”s and the suffocating hugs and the knowledge that we are, for a few short years, their entire world. So even though I’m exhausted, even though I deal with more tantrums than any human should ever have to, even though my one year old won’t sleep and my four year old whines endlessly, even though I would kill for a shower without someone banging on the door or to sit down for a meal that is still warm – I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the entire world.